I HATE EVERYTHING

I hate current slang ("My bad," "chillax," "hella," "sick" [for "cool"], "No worries,"), I hate ALL current music, I hate current fashions, I hate current attitudes, I hate current macroeconomic trends, I hate current cars, I hate the current work culture, I hate "teamwork," I hate professional sports, I hate malls, I hate strip malls, I hate chain restaurants--McDonalds, Wendy's, Booger King, Lyons, Cocos, Marie Callendars, El Pollo Loco, Arby's, Del Taco, Taco Bell, I hate big box stores, I hate Wal-Mart, I hate Starbucks, I hate spinners, I hate body piercings, I hate tattoos on anyone who isn't from the South Seas, I hate "reality" TV, I hate card keys, I hate plastic car keys, I hate whiteboards, I hate GPS in cars, I really, really hate cell phones, I hate all the behavior associated with cell phones, I hate flip-flops, I hate skateboards, I hate videogames, I hate gamers, I hate gaming (i.e., Vegas and Co.), I hate the Internet (but, hypocrite that I am, I while away significant quantities of time on it), I hate dating, I hate all post-1984 telephones, I hate the "updated" version of the Postal Service's Raymond Loewy logo, I hate the fact that a plate of bacon and eggs costs more than $2.99, I hate porn-watching born-agains, I hate Solo cups, I hate revolting flavors for chips--jalapeno, ranch, sour cream and onion, "Limon," whatever the hell that is, I hate unhygienic people, I hate people who confuse "it's" with "its" and "you're" with "your" and go around uttering barbarisms like "If I would have went," I hate myself for stifling my temper rather than eliminating it, I hate the way the majority of the population is kept in a befuddled state of perpetual ignorance, so naturally I hate Rush Limbaugh, I hate Pat Buchanan, I hate (but grudgingly admire) James Dobson, I also hate Tony Villar & Co., I really, viscerally hate Southern California, I hate Californians, I hate myself for not having left California for good when I could have done so, I hate fat chicks, I hate the 20 pounds I need to lose, I hate cigarette smoke, I hate, hate, hate drugs and druggies of all stripes (including booze hounds)...

Crimefighting, 1950s Style

With the economy descending into depths unknown since the thirties, crime is making a comeback. We need the moral clarity of the great Joe Friday:

“I want you to remember something.”

“Yeah?”

"In the years I’ve been in this department, I’ve seen some bad ones, real bad. Teenaged kids that didn't know any better scraped up off the pavement and sent home to their parents, drunks too loaded to know what went on…there’s been a lot of them go through here, but you’ve finished way ahead of the field, boy.”

“You talk good. Bet you’re on a lecture team around here.”

“I’m getting fed up with you kids roaming the streets in those death traps of yours. I don’t care about you—you want to wrap yourself around a post, you go ahead. We’ll try to stop you, but don’t you take somebody else with you. We’ve tried just about everything in the books to make you understand…doesn’t look like any of them did any good.”

“You all through?”

“No, not quite. You killed a human being, a woman who didn’t even know you. She never saw you until it was too late. You threw a ton-and-a-half of metal at a 120-pound woman, then you ran away and left her in the gutter to die. You wrecked a family—you tore it right down the middle and rolled over it. You’ve ruined the lives of all the people around that woman. You gave a group of decent kids a bad time because you stole their name. Now you get up on your feet and keep that smart mouth of yours closed, you understand?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Make it quick.”

“Running that woman down—how much will I get?”

“I don’t know, but it won’t be enough.”

--Dialogue between Det. Sgt. Joe Friday and hot-rod punk in Dragnet, “The Big Rod” (1954)

Other bits of dialogue, noteworthy in that they indicate how long certain phrases and expressions have been around:

Bartender: “He got pretty loaded last night and told me he didn’t have anyplace to pad down.”

Friday to grieving widower: “Take it easy.”

After patting down a suspect: “He’s clean.”