AA

"My father, he was an workaholic. You mentioned work and he got drunk."

"I finally solved MY drinking problem. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous. Yeah, I still drink, but I use a different name."

"I got a smart kid. The other day I told him, 'Someday you'll have children of your own.' He said 'So will you.'"

"How fat? When she wears high heels, she strikes oil!"

"How ugly? I took her to the beach and they asked me what I'd used for bait."

"My daughter's a slut. She's like Federal Express...whenever she goes to a guy's house, she absolutely positively has to be there overnight."

"I got a boy in college. Now I get decent drugs!"

"All the kids want is sex, sex, sex. My daughter flunked her driving test. She couldn't get used to the front seat."

"How ugly? I took her a to a dog show, and she won! They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders."

"Ah, I'm gettin' old. I told my wife, 'I want to die in bed.' She said, 'Again?'"

RODNEY DANGERFIELD!